I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
