I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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