Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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