You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
