I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
