I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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