cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
