Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
