I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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