you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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