Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
