I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
