You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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