he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
