Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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