shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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