I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
