what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
