Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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