I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
