I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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