Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
