Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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