I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
