i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
