if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
