Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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