Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
