I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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