How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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