well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
