she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the condom got lost in my hair
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My bed smells like the plague
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
