Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is classic penis vs brain.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
