new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
