I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
