I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
