Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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