found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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