his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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