Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You ruined the universe
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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