i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just gift wrapped bread.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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