I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
