just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
