I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
