Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
