You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
