Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
