so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
