I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
