I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
