Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
